I've spent some time trying to look back to how the past year (or two) has changed me and it has changed me a lot. I've undergone quite a lot of trials and tribulations and swore, as midnight marked the coming of the new year some months ago, that 2015 will be a different year for me.

Twenty-one days later, in a snap of a finger, it changed so much and definitely for the better.



For the past few years, I've been low-key with everything. I've lived my life, had fun... whatever. I think specifics to that extent isn't necessary. I really do not know who reads this, or if there's anyone at all that ever does. But in all the things I've done, there never seemed to be any kind of purpose; it was all just me, treading through life and experiencing things that I thought would satiate the hunger within me.

I thought I loved and lost.

I thought I loved and hurt.

I thought I loved enough to say that the pain was worth it, but then I may not have gotten what I truly deserved.

I thought I felt a lot of things, but no thoughts of feelings ever prepared me for what this new year has brought.

In this new year though, I told myself, I'll take all risks to say I haven't held back.

And that, I did. I took the risk and it was worth it.

I have always been after the thrill of excitement, danger and being challenged. I've always been after the adrenaline rush that you feel when you know in your gut that what you're doing is wrong... and doing it anyway with no fear of repercussions because that's just the person that I am. Guarded. Protected. Unrelenting. I'll come out of anything stronger and more majestic. Like a phoenix; and I was sure of it.

I've immersed myself in the dark side of the world, thinking that this is what I've wanted. All I ever wanted, but then I am proven wrong and I found myself at a crossroads; two different paths where one offered the life of darkness that is familiar and a life I've allowed to govern my being, which is void of any emotion other than plain, guttural, raw passion -- or one that may not be as dark and twisted, but offered possibilities for a future, of a love that is mine and mine alone; one that may be mundane and ordinary, but something I can build upon and cherish for the better part of my life.

You see, if I have a survey done and have a mass of people respond, I'm sure I'm not gonna get the help that I need. There are people out there that will go for the former one; those who crave adventure and those who are afraid of letting themselves go emotionally. There are pros and cons, of course. If I chose the former life, nothing will change. I will be the same person I was some two years ago, no attachment, no headache, no hurt, no frustrations... just doing me. It will be familiar, there will be no adjustment and I will not leave myself vulnerable to any kind of pain; at least the non-pleasurable kind, anything otherwise is still welcomed. But there'll be no progress whatsoever. My life will be at a standstill and I will be alone.

But there will also be the hopeless romantics who will push me to go for the latter. I'll hear "you deserve better" or "you need something real" -- and although it sounds good on quote, there are bigger risks... the bigger part of it will take its toll on me emotionally and mentally. All these raw feelings one feels, that I have successfully suppressed living my old life, will come jumping out of me like a blood-thirsty vampire put to sleep for a century. And because I have had no practice in controlling them out in the open, they will run a hundred miles a minute and I will be unreasonable and exaggerated and just out of line when they're triggered.

How the hell does one decide, really? And it was something I've thought over, over and over again and still couldn't get an answer to, because you see, I'm kind of schizophrenic (this is not medically diagnosed, just so you know). I share the responses of both masses. A part of me wants the painlessly familiar and passion-driven path, but another longs for something real.

True to my earlier statement though, I told myself that things will be different this year. I will take every risk presented to me, even if just to say that I haven't held back... and so I took it. I let go of my past like a hot, burning kettle on skin and allowed the walls of my heart to be broken down and it was the best decision I've made as of yet.

Gone are the days of hiding, of suppressing all emotions and of cheating my heart and making it believe that it can survive on passion alone. Having the real thing is all encompassing; with the right person. And I have been blessed to have someone who is patient with me and my raging emotions, as well as understanding of my new-found unfamiliarity with being in an actual relationship.

It feels both amazing and extremely excruciating to love and be in love. You have days where you feel like you're literally walking on air and that everything is perfect... and then those days where all you want to do is hit your head or hurt someone because you're frustrated and angry and life is just throwing you daggers so fast, it's just better to stand still and not try to move away because it'll find you anyway.

I have felt so much in such short a time, but it's worth it. Yes, it may not be as dark and twisted as I've grown accustomed to, but in itself, it brings about a different kind of passion. A raw passion that is unbridled that is so much better than I've experienced before - probably because now, there's an added bonus. Love.

Everyday may not be rainbows and butterflies, but it's worth the fight and it's something that helps me through the night and pushes me to wake up in the morning; knowing that someone truly loves me is worth the risk.

I am grateful.

I believe I made the right decision.

He is my right decision.

He's the path I chose.

And although I don't know what the future will hold, I'm confident that he'll be worth it.


/end

Labels: committment, personal, random blabber, relationships, thoughts

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