There is a darkness in everyone, even if a person denies it. People actually go through it on a regular basis and sometimes, they don't even know it. Most people call it depression or whatever psychological mental disturbance science wants to call it, but for me, I just call it as it is...

My personal darkness.



When I encounter this darkness, I step away from my own feelings and literally (or as literally as I can make it) separate my self from myself and become another entity, void of anything, be it feelings of sadness, anger or remorse.

In my personal darkness, I just am. Existing.

Fellow writers say that it's just the writer in me and maybe you can account it to that because being in this state allows me to take away my personal feelings when I write -- I can be as heartless or gruesome as I can be. I can kill the characters that I want and not feel bad about it. It's how I make my readers cry, even if I don't shed a tear while I write it. So I guess, yes, to a degree, it's the writer in me, but I feel like even though there is a "state of emotional limbo" that writers venture off to while writing, this darkness of mine is still a separate state that I fall into. Especially since personal feelings or reactions to personal situations are involved.

You see, I'm a very emotional person. I let my emotions rule my every decision and it's governed by personal desires and what I deem the most appropriate way to handle certain situations I'm faced. Either way, whatever it is, my feelings about it will always prevail.

No negotiations.

Sometimes... Well, most of the time though, feelings can become too much for me to bear. I mean I can be evil and heartless, but in certain situations where I'm emotionally invested, my heart goes haywire and I start actually feeling.

What triggers it is disappointment that could stem from rejection, stumped expectations or unfulfilled commitments from another. But understand though that this darkness doesn't just loom over and embrace me into it's loving arms full of hatred. It's not a dark smoke that consumes me; if we want to involve my imagination with creative visualization. It's more of a cave; a path, with no light, that I can walk into.

You see, the darkness doesn't attack. I take myself there. And there, lies the problem.

Getting there takes 3 steps, which we can also deduce to stages.

Stage 1: Shock. The "I can't believe this is actually happening" kind of shock. It's that moment when you realize that life failed you and that you are face-to-face with an entity that holds you at gunpoint; cocked hot and ready, right smack dab in the center of your head. It's when you realize that everything, or whatever it was that you were expecting just isn't happening. The initial reaction, basically.

Stage 2: Sadness. This sadness is fueled by disappointment and frustration. You're led to rethink what may have caused it. The "is it me?" moment. The moment where you realize that the failure may have been caused by you. There's guilt and you feel your heart beating so loud, so fast, you feel it painfully wanting to come out of your chest. Literally feeling your heart break, piece by piece. You want to cry. You want to curl yourself into a ball and weep. Then all of a sudden, you start to feel alone.

Stage 3: Anger. It's when you realize that what you really wanted was something you deserved and not getting it makes you feel like the world is ganging up on you. That it was purposeful. That it was made to hurt you. Then all your defenses come back up. You pick up the pieces of your heart that broke away and keep it in your pocket because you will put it back together. You realize that you're stronger than anything that wants to hurt you. You're worth more. But this fire brought by rage just consumes you and takes over you. You want to scream and feel the need to be vindicated. You want to hurt someone out of spite and you plan this all in your head because you'll be damned if they don't pay for the hurt they've caused you.

But through all of that, the little piece of your heart that's still intact begs for redemption. It just hurts too much and because you can't take the pain, you wish it all away. Every feeling, every emotion, just gone.

Then comes the moment where I walk my way to the darkness. Each step, a promise of everything being "alright." Once I'm in it, everything will feel so much better. So I walk into it, one foot after the other and like a calming force, everything is stripped away. Shock, sadness and anger. Gone. And what's left is just a vessel. Unfeeling. Void of everything.

This is when you stop caring.

This is when I stop caring.

And I stop caring because my darkness takes away everything. I don't feel frustrations. I don't feel happiness or sadness. I don't feel fear. I don't feel hope. I don't feel anger. I don't feel love. I feel nothing.

The only thing is that it's hard to walk away from it. It takes a lot of effort. It takes feeling a lot again which can become very painful, the kind that's similar to gasping for air. It could take a person or a conversation. It could take a certain kind of reassurance from the right person. But the longer I remain in its realms, the more unfeeling I become. And the worry is that I wouldn't be able to come out of it, which really wouldn't be fun for the people around me.

Reading this will probably make you think that I'm crazy, but if you're more in tune with your individuality and emotions, you know that you go through it too. You just haven't taken the time to read through your emotional process or study what makes you feel and not feel.

There is a constant battle within me; of whether the darkness is a place I need to be. But then again sometimes, it's the only place that can help keep my sanity, no matter how insane it sounds.

A sad, twisted reality, really. But this makes me, me.

Live with it.

/end

Labels: darkness, it happens, personal, random blabber, rants, relationships, thoughts

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