I'm the type of girl, who's always been more comfortable around guys. In the twenty-four years of my existence, I can honestly say that I have more guy friends than girlfriends and trust me, most guy friends and I mean about 90% of all of my guy friends, I have never gone to bed with. Not even first base. So, I'd like to think they're actual friendships.

Well, as for the other 10%, they can be the exception.



Why guys? Well, to be completely honest, guy conversations usually encompass more than usual girl talk. All girls talk about are boys and bitches. Boys, all the emotional perils of being lost in love, or being in love or being out of love; Bitches, being green with envy because that bitch's shirt, lipstick, or boyfriend is better than theirs or the other way around.

Conversations with guys, on the other hand, are open. Much more open. Games, cars, girls, books, movies, TV shows, the dude who parked like a dick at the store or even doing the nasty in the bedroom. There's so much more to talk about and being the talkative person that I am, being someone who's easily disgusted when conversations only cover a specific area from start to finish, guy talk just suits me better.

Besides, I'd rather gay friends than girls, all day too.

So the point is, I have more friends of the opposite gender than of the same and I am very much close to them. I hang out with them all the time and they always make it a point to reach out to me whenever. I don't worry about whether I get drunk and pass out because no one ever took advantage. They took me back home to my family, safe and sound. They pretended to be boyfriends in the club or wherever when guys tried to hit on me. They acted as bodyguards for when I needed to walk in a dark place. It's all perfect, really. But there's a catch.

This is when I was single.

Now that I'm not, it seems like they've all disappeared.

Tell me, is there a guy code existing against reaching out to gal pals who are already in relationships? Are guy friends supposed to step back when their gal pal is with someone? Or is it just me? Did I just assume that we're friends and the real reason why they're hanging out with me is really because of wanting to get in my pants? And now that it's impossible, that they just run?

I mean, a few guys, during the course of the friendship, have expressed interest but I have always been adamant about not dating friends; especially those I've known for years because I don't want to ruin the friendship. There is a line of comfort that separates friends from lovers and once the boundary is crossed, there's no going back. If anything more than friendship doesn't work out, you'll end up estranged, regardless if you had a deal otherwise. It just doesn't work like that. And I value friendships, so I try my best to not cross that boundary. Eventually, they just give up and are satisfied with the friendship offered.

But I've always wondered why they always step back. And when I ask them, I get the same response. "No, I've just been busy. We should definitely hang out soon." But lo and behold, a year would already pass and you still have nothing but silence from them.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm miserable. To a degree, when I do get time to spend for myself, I opt to spend it with my boyfriend. My boyfriend does a very good job of being all of them in one person. I can talk to him about anything under the sun. I know he'll keep me safe all the time. And if I do get drunk and pass out and he does take advantage (not that he would take advantage), I'm sure I'd enjoy it and I know that he would take care of me after. He wouldn't need to pretend to be a boyfriend and protect me from random guys, because he is my boyfriend and he would, for sure, defend what's his. And it's fun and absolutely perfect. And the emotional add-on is a great bonus, because trust me, I love him.

But sometimes, one misses hanging out with friends; recall times past, memories that only your little group would understand and be with people who you can be your whole self with, lose all inhibitions and let yourself go. Talk about exes without ending up in a fight or past sex experiences that the current boyfriend surely wouldn't want to hear. Because friends talk about things like that.

Then again, I'm really just more concerned about how they've all just disappeared. A couple of them would still reach out to say hi, but hanging out seems to not be an option nowadays... and at some point, it makes me sad.

I wonder if I've truly, fully lost them.

Who knows.


/end

Labels: friendships, it happens, personal, random blabber, rants, relationships, thoughts

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