It's a disease, I believe... My sloth-like nature when it comes to blog posts. Usually, I would post one to start a life-changing chapter of my life or when I'm overcome by extreme emotion. Then, once that post is published, I become overwhelmed with everything else to even bother sharing my thoughts. Extreme happiness, distracts me. Extreme sadness, distracts me. As a matter of fact, everything, as a new chapter of my life begins, serves as a distraction for me. So written expression, gets pushed to the side.

But then I realized, pushing aside my means of expression, does not help me at all.

So, since my last blog post, a lot of things have happened. I've met the one creature that makes me weak to the knees; my ultimate happiness. My son.

Yes, I have given birth and nobody even knew I was pregnant. If anyone remembers my "Quarter-Life Crossroads" post (if anyone ever even reads this), I introduced a new love in my life. That love, after 9 months, bore fruit and 8.5 months later, came my beautiful baby boy.

As all mothers are, I'm obviously obsessed with him and I love him like I've never loved anything in my life. I guess what mothers say are true, and to think, I roll my eyes when they exclaim the awesomeness of parenthood; well, motherhood, specifically. But then, you know what? They are absolutely right. I have never felt so much contentment, because seriously, being a parent makes you feel like a superhero; like you can do anything and everything, because you have a purpose. Your child. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's exactly how I feel.

As far as my relationship goes, we're okay, however, I started to believe what everyone else in the world said about living together. About living together with an absolute stranger. You think you know someone when you start being in a relationship with them, but you really don't. You live together and every little thing, you see... Most of them, you don't like and you either ask them to change or eventually just live with it. Especially with different personalities and cultures, it was hell and it still can be.

We've been living together for about a year, now. It's nothing, I know, but we've gone through so much. You see, we were only 8 months together when we moved in. Then 2 months after, I got pregnant. So welcome to the life of a hormonal, bitchy, evil and angry woman for another 9 months. And after giving birth, we had to co-parent and we have been for an added 3 months, which comprises all the months that we've been together (and there's a lot of fighting... A LOT!).

It has been horrendous and for a moment, I think we've grown so comfortable with each other, that we've lost the flame and passion of love. That we're just walking around each other, not even caring. You see each other's attitudes and for a while, you think you can be okay with it, until it makes you clench your teeth and it disgusts you. You think, "how the hell was I okay with this before?" But you're already in too deep and regardless of your lack of patience (which you swear you had so much of before), you love them. You planned a future with them and you're building a family with them. How do you walk away from that? I know I can't.

And there's so much change. Who one person is during the start of the relationship, turns 180 (because 360 only takes you back to point 0) and there's this totally different person in front of you that you have to adjust to again. And because the change is the most normal thing to them, everything that you thought has been the "thing" they change... And they say it's absolutely normal and I'm exaggerating. And that's when I fight back and prove points, time-points specified, because I am a woman. Thank you.

So of course, because he says he's tired of my whims and general nature, and because I don't want to lose what we have (because we don't want to separate anyway, regardless of the many attempts and threats of doing it throughout the last, almost 2 years), I resort to the next best thing.

My personal darkness.

And to be honest with you, whoever you are reading this, I have just completed a 24-hour run with the darkness. I have no feelings... When he said something that should've triggered the mad-mouth in me, I kept quiet and shut my mouth. I didn't want to talk to him, or have any kind of conversation with him. I left him alone (which he loves, by the way) and I don't even feel any kind of emotion towards it.

It's scary.

You see, a long run with the darkness makes me unfeeling. Void of anything... Even love. And the darkness kills it, eventually. I'm scared that what I think could save us, can eventually tear us apart.

I'm hoping that our son can kind of mellow me out, because he does. I feel the happiness creep in when I see him, hold him and when talks to me (I mean, he doesn't talk yet because he's only almost 3 months, but he tries--and it's the best language in the world). I feel absolute joy around him. So I'm hoping that he levels me out.

Because if the darkness stays, I become what I hate most... Vindictive. Because truthfully, I don't want to hurt him. And I still don't want to lose what we have.

So let's see where this goes.

There's so much that changed, but then again, the only constant thing in the world is that.

Changes.


/end

Labels: commitment, darkness, happiness, it happens, love, motherhood, parenthood, personal, pregnancy, random blabber, rants, relationships, thoughts

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